The Chris Grantland 5 a massive phallus which will stretch you to your limits and fill you up completely with everything you need to know. Please note my invention of the double-hyphenated word located within. I present it to you forthwith…
1. IT ALL STARTS WITH “GARBAGELAND” by Bryan Joiner, and it’s god damn great media criticism piece: http://bryanjoiner.com/2011/08/17/garbageland/ Consider for a moment, the following analogy:
This “Hollywood” entity is trying to force Ryan Reynolds down our throats as a bona fide movie star, when in reality he’s way out of his league trying to headline a movie. Couldn’t one make the association with Simmons and ESPN? Isn’t ESPN trying to force Bill Simmons down our throats as a bona fide media star, when in fact he’s out of his league trying to do anything than write silly columns? Yes, he was the executive producer of 30 for 30, and deserves credit for that. But to get Rumsfeld on you, he knew what he didn’t know in filmmaking, and stepped out of the way. On Grantland, he thinks he actually knows what he’s doing. He did in one sense: he got smart people to write for him. He largely made them suck, through direction or presentation, and made his own work look terrible in the process. The emperor is naked, except for, yes, the mustache.
How is it possible that such a massive assemblage of writing talent as Grantland, with Chris Jones and Chuck Klosterman could turn out so annoying? I mean, Joiner explains it.
2. FROM GARBAGELAND TO JIM THOME…
Pete Beatty once wrote this line:
Are there any original ways to say that the Yankees always win and are obviously war criminals?
More recently, he wrote this thing about GREATEST HOME RUN HITTER IN CLEVELAND SPORTS HISTORY, Jim Thome, that you have to read. http://pitchersandpoets.com/2011/05/18/jim-thome-takes-his-rips-by-pete-beatty/
It doesn’t address Thome’s refusal to waive his no trade clause in the summer 2002 - which speculatively cost the Indians unknown prospects (and possibly an even better mid-2000s revival) in a trade. It also doesn’t completely address Thome’s “rip the jersey off my back” comment about how he would never leave Cleveland (although the title seems to make it implicit, clever) - made immediately before leaving for more money (WHAT WAS YOUR SOUL WORTH JIM JAM?! 1 YEAR, $20 MILLION???? ALTHOUGH IT IS TRUE, I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT.).
It is, however, a loving portrayal of the lumbering throwback (who probably never considers the value of his soul) which is ultimately about us, Clevelanders, of course.
POSSIBLY RELATED AXIOMS:
1. At this point it is we, the Clevelanders, who are the central figure in every important literary work about our heroes (or former heroes).
2. Cheering for the Yankees is like cheering for Smokey to catch The Bandit.
Beatty invokes Saved By The Bell AND Bruce Springsteen to explain our relationship with Jim Jam. This guy has a mind like the one I think I want to have. Read this, then read more Pete Beatty and follow him on Twitter @nocoastoffense. Here, I’ll make it easy: https://twitter.com/#!/nocoastoffense
3. I DONATED MONEY? Before I explain, let me posit the nonsequitor question - why must I grow old?? Why can’t I spend my summers drinking seemingly limitless cans of pre-Classic old Coke and shooting endless non-Price-like free throws on the blacktop driveway???
So… The Classical - like a good version of the aforementioned Garbageland, it’s an amalgamation of All Star Writing talent like Cleveland’s own Pete Beatty, supported by donors like myself instead of by douchebags at ESPN. Fuel your anger at ESPN and donate a buck or two to the website we’ll all be reading:
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/101341727/the-classical
Maybe you’ll get a free chip clip out of it. That’s good stuff because it prevents your chips from getting soggy or stale.
4. AND FINALLY, THE TOPIC OF UTMOST CONCERN, THE CAVS…. AND LENNY WILKENS Demetri Inembolidis is one of my favorite and one of the smartest people to follow on Twitter @demeatloaf for discussion about the Cavs. He occasionally writes for the iconic www.igohardnow.com a website which is currently in the throws of offseason/lockout basketball book and movie reviews.
The Greek God of Cavaliers Knowledge also just wrote a piece about the Cavs for this website www.theclevelandfan.com “Something is Missing from the Rafters” that specifically addresses the question, Why is it that Lenny Wilkens - the most important head coach in Cavaliers history and also the first star player the team ever had - does not have his number retired by the Cavs?
Now I’m not sure I’m a fan of the Nate Thurmond argument (once you let Thurmond in, a number of questionably deserving people get in), but I don’t really think it’s necessary to make that argument to arrive at the ultimate point which is: The retirement of Lenny Wilkens jersey by the Cavaliers is not only clearly merited, but also a campaign that is well overdue, and it’s a compelling argument which culminates in the following somewhat shocking assesment:
It is unfortunate when man whose career as a player and a coach is as decorated as Lenny Wilkens’ is not immortalized by having his number retired by a single franchise.
Here’s the really long link, but I encourage you to not only read the link, but also the article: http://www.theclevelandfan.com/cleveland-cavaliers/4-cavs-archive/8484-something-is-missing-in-the-rafters
5. THEORIES ABOUT THE LOCKOUT AND HOW TO FIX THE LEAGUE. There’s this thing by Tom Ziller where he makes 95 points about the lockout and the league that you need to at least read and know in order to intelligently discuss the situation. Modeled after Luther’s 95 Theses - you can poke holes in some of his points, but not without acknowledgement of the fact - if he put this massive thing together, he probably knows more than you. He definitely cares more than you.
Some of these Theses will disappoint you because of how wrong some of the assumptions upon which you have based your opinions are. Even so, this is going to take you a few minutes to get though, so start reading soon and take your time to digest this thing: http://www.sbnation.com/nba/2011/8/15/2363784/nba-lockout-2011-95-theses
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That’s your ChrisGrantland 5. Still working on some huge things here. I wanted to give you a preview of it, but I don’t want to ruin it for you, so I’m not going to.
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BONUS
6. FAST BREAK - ME ON THE INTERNET RADIO Also, NOTE I’m doing Cleveland Sports Forums Radio “Fast Break” every other Tuesday with Sam Drew from www.deardangilbert.com and Brendan Bowers from www.stepienrules.com, so check that out too:
http://www.clevelandsportsforums.com/forums/threads/17582-CSF-Radio-LIVE-BROADCAST-THREAD-quot-Fast-Break!-quot-8-9-2011-7pm-10pm
The half of the first show that I was on was podcasted, and it is PURE GOLD, I promise you. Check it out right here: http://mixlr.com/csfradio1/fast-break YOU WILL NOT REGRET THE TIME YOU SPEND LISTENING TO THIS. IT WILL IMPROVE YOUR LIFE.